Denethor Does Not Care For Your Bullsh*t (NSFW)

Card draw simulator
Odds: 0% – 0% – 0% more
Fellowships using this decklist
None.
Derived from
None. Self-made deck here.
Inspiration for
None yet.

Some Sort 1133

"And then I name Elrond the Steward of Gondor and..."

Excuse me? Fucking EXCUSE ME??!?! Elrond is not the Steward of Gondor. Neither is some random nobody dwarf. The son of the steward is not the steward, either. There is exactly ONE Steward of Gondor, and does he strike you as the type to willingly cede power for the good of the realm?

No. No he damn well does not.

And while we're at it, he's not very pleased about everyone setting his freaking kingdom on fire all the time. That's bullshit, so knock it off already! And naming Sword-thains all willy-nilly. Knock it off! You know who names sword-thains? This guy does. He names the shit out of those sword-thains.

"Oh, but Some Sort, how are you going to lecture us about thematic consistency when you've got all those Eagles in your Gondor deck?" Shut up. Have you seen the eagles? Their wings are as big as horses. Do you know where Eagles go? Wherever they damn well please, because they're fucking sky-lions with wings as big as horses. Sunday jaunt to Mount Doom? WHY THE HELL NOT? I'M A GODDAMN SKY-LION WITH WINGS AS BIG AS HORSES.

Besides, those bastards are the biggest goddamn gentrifiers in Middle Earth. Any neighborhood with moths in it and it's only a matter of time before the Eagles start showing up and unpacking their shit and getting comfortable. Now you're going to tell me there aren't any moths in Gondor, either? So you're an entomologist as well as an ornithologist now? Just shut the hell up.

And don't get me started on Radagast. That bastard's just happy he was invited at this point.

And anyway, Denethor is the richest sonuvabitch in Middle Earth and he throws his resources around like they're freaking nothing. "Wait now, Some Sort, I'm sure Eagles are above material wealth and all that." WRONG. Nobody is above material wealth and all that. Everyone has a price. And Denethor can pay it.

Shit, Denethor might even declare Gwaihir his newest sword-thain. Can you name an Eagle a sword-thain? No, you can not. But Denethor sure as hell can.

By the way, you know how nobody ever uses Boromir's second ability? Well guess who has zero problem sacrificing one of his sons for little to no tactical gain. Yeah, fucking Denethor. That's right. Denethor doesn't give a shit. Hey, maybe he'll buy off one of the eagles to bail his son out.

Maybe he won't.

Denethor is crazy.

9 comments

May 05, 2016 stokesbook 1194

@Some SortI can't stop laughing. HAHA! Thanks so much for posting this

May 05, 2016 sappidus 185

Gold star: best deck description on RingsDB yet.

May 05, 2016 wehehe 253

OMG, epic description, I am at work and I could'nt avoid laughing when I read it.

May 05, 2016 mithril ring mail 27

"By the way, you know how nobody ever uses Boromir's second ability? Well guess who has zero problem sacrificing one of his sons for little to no tactical gain. Yeah, fucking Denethor. That's right. Denethor doesn't give a shit. Hey, maybe he'll buy off one of the eagles to bail his son out." Landroval says FUCKING DESTROYED! Boromir has got a FUCKING ABILITY that says he must be FUCKING DISCARDED! Destroyed means leaving play by having a quantity of damage equal or greater than its FUCKING HIT POINTS!

May 05, 2016 Some Sort 1133

Landroval also says "hero card". Boromir is not a card, though, he's a goddamn human being.

Denethor doesn't give a shit about your "rules", anyway.

May 05, 2016 Some Sort 1133

Landroval also says "hero card", but Denethor's sons aren't cards, they're goddamn human beings. You think Denethor cares?

No. Just like Denethor doesn't give a flying FAQ about your "rules".

May 05, 2016 Some Sort 1133

So @stokesbook has brought it to my attention that I forgot to include "Fucking Sky Lions" in my decklist. Obviously this is an oversight and will be corrected in version 2.0.

cdn.discordapp.com

May 06, 2016 dalestephenson 64

Theoden King is not amused by Denethor claiming to be the namer of Sword-Thains. Theoden King grants leave for Denethor to name an ally Squire of the Citadel.

Jun 29, 2016 bodasafa 1

OMG, I laughed till my sides hurt! Epic LOTR rant. Thank you for the good medicine it was much needed today.